Ruben Amaro, Jr., ain’t no dummy and didn’t go to Stanford for nothing.

Your SAT score to even have the admissions office slice open your packet has to be about seven times higher than Pat Burrell's current spring training batting average. If your SAT score is only six times higher than the number of home runs Burrell has this spring, you will most likely have to settle for Michigan or the University of Texas, or, if you want to stay close to mom and dad, Penn State.

Therefore, Amaro knows the correlation rate of general physics applied to the notion -– once in motion stays in motion -– of lengthy-relativity. If you are not familiar with this one, you most likely went to Mansfield, like me. 

Anyway, Amaro can get out his calculator and his slide rule and determine a correlation of lengthy-relativity. In other words, how long Uncle Charlie will last.

Now, when you first see Ruben Amaro in his Neiman Marcus button down suit and his laced up alligator urban sneakers—which he buys on eBay, you think he’s a business major like his boss David Wharton.

Ah, but there’s where you're wrong. Ruben, you see, majored in biology at Stanford. This actually puts him in a class ahead of his boss David Wharton, because at least Ruben knows baseball.

So let’s see what figures Rueben will put into his correlation theory. Burrell’s current batting average is a dismal buck eighty-nine. He has two home runs. Two? Jesus, Pat, I hit more than that when my wife sent me to Phillies Fantasy Camp, and that was for a mere week!

Just to show you I’m not picking on Pat, long-ball, power hitting Tigers third baseman Placido Polanco has half that many dingers.

So, Rueben is going to put Pat’s numbers into his correlation theory and determine when Uncle Charlie will get the heave ho. Angelo and his call-in boys are betting May 10, but Rueben’s theory of lengthy-relativity says it may sooner. His numbers say that all of the clubs the Phillies play in April are East teams; therefore, it may be as early as April 29, the day before the Fighten’s go on the road.

The correlation theory of lengthy-relativity, or, what my father-in-law says every time I see him:“When are they going to trade that bum?”

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